new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
