i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
