Who did Billy Mays play for?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
