when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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