I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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