Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
