i think my tv is drunk
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
