I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I think I just sharted jello shots
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