So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
