How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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