sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
