Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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