My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
