just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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