he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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