I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
