Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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