All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
