That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
