I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
