i just sent this text using only my big toe
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
