tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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