i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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