i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
