i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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