i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
