Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
