I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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