I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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