My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The best revenge is premature balding
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
