It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
