You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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