I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
