I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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