Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
