you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
