I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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