Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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