Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
