hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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