I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
