oh god the rape fog is back!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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