Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
