I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I woke up under a house in Key West
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