Is it because I queefed?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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