My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
