70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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