ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
