Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
