I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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