I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I booty called her while she was in labor.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm too high and old for this...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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