1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
